


Strider's Always Dress for Success

by Goshikku



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: A bit of a crack fic, A lot of relationships are implied tbh, Because Dirk and Kanaya are moirails, Crossdressing, Crossdressing Dave, Dave and Aradia moirails, Dirk being helpful, Dirk surprisingly good at makeup, Everyone is alive!, First Date, Fluff, Fluff without Plot, Fuck oneshots, Highschool AU, Karkat and Meenah are moirails, M/M, Sleepovers, TZ and Sol are moirails, This was to be a oneshot, because of Kanaya, but they're best friends who know everything about eachother already, first fic, i guess, idek, in this fandom, just a warning, just this once, love me, not sure anymore, slightly flamboyant Dirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-02
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 19:35:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2240898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goshikku/pseuds/Goshikku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave and John have been best bros for awhile now, and everyone but them can see how perfect the dorks are for each other. After consulting Rose on his failed love life, John decides to try and see how dating Dave will work out- he's not a total homosexual if the only guy he even wants to try to date is Dave right?<br/>Dave is of course secretly delighted at this chance, and is determined not to mess things up between them. Dave makes sure this particular first date is one that will never be forgotten, and if it takes makeup and a dress to insure that, then pass the lipstick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sissin's and Freckles

**Author's Note:**

> Hihi, so this is my first fic on AO3 and my first Homestuck fic, so please be nice! This was supposed to be a oneshot but I don't even know anymore man. Please forgive any spelling/grammar mistakes and don't kill me? This particular chapter is going to be in third person POV, but in the future should be in Dave's.

[tentacleTherapist has started to pester turntechGodhead]

TT: Dave.

TT: David.

TT: Cousin.

TT: Brother.

TT: David Elizabeth Strider.

TG: sup lalonde

TG: ooh bringing in the middle name AND calling me brother

TG: (sibs4lyfe btw)

TG: this must be something serious

TG: as serious as a movie about a male prostitute getting cancer

TG: right around christmas time

TG: when he has two children to support

TG: but then learns that money isnt everything

TG: and love and shit saves him

TG: and he goes to heaven or wherever and watches his kids

TG: and santa brings the presents that year

TG: while the kids are all like 'we only wanted to spend some more fucking time with you dad'

TG: and then the screen fades black

TG: leaving mass sobbing in its wake

TT: Well, it seems that I am indeed sobbing miserably.

TG: Damn straight you are calm down your getting hysterical lalonde

TT: I can't dare to calm down David, it was such a touching story, filled with emotion.

TT: And besides, the collected tears will be offered as a beverage to the horrerterrors.

TG: tell them the tears are all thanks to your brilliant cousin/brother before they strike us down for fucking blasphemy or some shit 

TT: Of course.

TT: If you are done with your rambling, then may I continue on to the point of this conversation? Hopefully before you start on to your so called 'rapping'.

TG: shut the fuck up my raps are cool 

TG: youre making me out to be such a tool

TG: and not the ones at the hardware store

TG: the ones that I wipe the floor

TG: with but dont be a bitch

TG: and calm your tits

TG: before I burn your face off

TG: and-

TT: Dave. Cousin. Brother. Stop. Please.

TG: whatevs lalonde you obviously cant handle all those sick fires

TT: Indeed.

TT:Now onto what I was going to tell you.

TT: It seems a certain buck-toothed glasses wearing friend of ours-

TG: john or jade or jake or jane

TT: John. And don't think I haven't noticed how you put his name before all the rest. But that is a conversation for a different time.

TT: As I was saying before John had come to me with various woes of his romantic life, that I cannot tell you, because of doctor-patient confidentiality.

TG: he broke up with vriska didnt he

TT: Yes, he did that a long time ago, they remain friends, and Vriska is dating Terezi now.

TG: oh cool beans i wonder why TZ hasnt said anything yet

TT: She was planning to tell you today, if that makes your ego less wounded. Anyways, I decided to follow Vriska and open John horizons to the wonders of same-sex dating.

TT: He wasn't thrilled at first, denying his blatant homosexuality, but I convinced him to give you a try.

TG: wtf lalonde

TT: You were the only one he was comfortable with the thought of dating. Plus you are openly pansexual and have an obvious crush of John. No need to thank me.

TG:....youre joking right lalonde

TT: About what in particular? If you dare say you don't have a crush on John, after going on and on last time we spoke about his "goddamn beautiful fucking blue eyes like what the fuck peoples eyes arent supposed to be that blue rose its like he literally stole the colour from the sky but not even that cuz there bluer than the sky I mean his eyes make the sky look like his fucking bitch", then I will politely stab my knitting needles into your eyes and gracefully ride your body down a waterslide David.

TG: and no shit but youd probably be fucking graceful while doing it like a motherfucking royal seer whos royal thus has to ride on her horse all gracefully and side-sattle and shit

TG: but seriously youre joking right

TG: you didnt tell john about my crush on him right  


TT:...  


TG: we may share the same asshole father and your mother maybe my aunt but there is no way you are related to me

TG: no one related to me could fucking do this lalonde

TG: rose answer me

TT: I am sorry, I thought you would be pleased with the prospect of a date?

TG: oh im fucking pleased alright pleased to know that i cant even trust my own fucking sister or fucking cousin or whatever with a secret crush

TG: secret rose do you not understand that

TG: i dont want john to be throwing himself on me because he knows i like him

TG: i dont want him to fucking avoid me either though

TG: i am literally giving myself a concussion on my locker door while youre probably making out with your girlfriend under a tree or some shit i hope your happy

TG: dirk told me to say sup to kanaya earlier and to ask if she was still gonna come over and help him make a fucking hoodie for that robot bunny he's giving to jane

TG: your girlfriend and my brothers close friendship is kinda fucking weird

TT: Yes, it is. Now calm down, I have known you long enough to realize that you are going into your panicked rambling mode.

TT: I have not told Jonathan anything about you're crush. Do not doubt me brother.

TG: you didnt

TG: well fucking hell why didnt you say so

TT: Because it was fun to watch you panic.

TG: striders dont panic

TT: *raises an eyebrow* Of course not.

TG: you put that back down

TG: but seriously you saying that johns gonna be asking this sweet rump out on a date or some shit like that

TG: are you sure that all those sloppy make outs youve been having hasnt stopped air flow to your brain

TT: I am positive. Anyways if my calculations are correct, John will appear in front of you in approximately 5 minutes. Too late for you to abscond, and your too busy talking to me to flash step.

TG: i have an evil genius for a sister

TG: and cousin

TG: shit there should be a word for that 

TG: actually there shouldnt cause our situation is so fucked up

TT: I agree.

TG: but i need to call you something other than sister-cousin its a pain in the ass to write and not the good kind either

TG: hmm...sissin

TG: couster maybe

TG: i mean id be your brosin or cousther which ever you prefer I guess

TT: This is such a big responsibility you're giving me. Give me a moment to compose myself.

TG: try not to flip too much shit lalonde no matter how deserving the shit is of being flipped

TT: I will endeavor not to. Well, John should be I near you by now, so I shall go and ask Kanaya to help me decide what to call you. By the way David, today is Friday, so the date between you and John will no doubt land on Saturday afternoon. Despite that fact, Kanaya, Aradia, myself and possibly Terezi will be still heading over tonight for our usual 'Ironic Friday Nite Sleepovers', as you call it. Jade too, if she, Karkat and Solluxander don't have a date tonight.

TG: how she can handle dating karkatrina on top of making sure sollux doesnt become one with his laptop I will never know

TT: Porrim and Damara will also be coming, in order to help Kanaya finish your outfit for the date- it has already been started so with Porrim's help, it will be done in time.

TT: Damara's coming because she is your extremely close female friend's older sister, your sister-cousin's girlfriend's older sister's girlfriend, she can help hold you down for measurements, and we both get along well enough with her

TG: yea damz is cool

TT: Indeed. And John is infront of you now, so I bid you adieu.

TG: later lalonde

[tentacleTherapist ceased pesteringturntechGodhead]

Dave wonders whether or not he should pretend he doesn't notice John infront of him, but John clearing his throat quickly ended that chance.

"Uh, hey Dave!" John says with a nervous smile.  


"Sup Egderp" Dave replies leaning back against his locker and taking in John's flushed cheeks and fleeting eye contact. Dave almost snorted- he didn't though, cuz that would be totally uncool- when he noticed John was wearing a well worn ghost busters t-shirt. 

"You okay? You look, well, redder than the TZ's hair. You coming down with something? Is it deadly? Contagious? Am I gonna die by talking to you? I mean my social life's already dying by being seen with you, but now your after my life as well, like some shitty villain? Not cool dude, next thing you know, my hand's gone and you tell me you're my father."  


John- the dork- fucking snorts in laughter, "Shut up dude, you're rambling. Totally uncool, Elizabeth."  


Dave held his hands to his heart as if he was in pain, "Ouch, that hurt you dick. You just had to bring in the middle name didn't cha John? There is no such thing as below the belt in your vocabulary is there?"  


"Not when it comes to a total ass like you."  


Dave cringed, smirking, "You fucking dick. Anyways walk with me, I gotta get home soon, or Dirk'll wreck my shit. You can tell me more things about my beautifully full ass and explain why you were as red as Aradia's bra."  


"Dave. Do I even want to know why you know what colour Aradia's bra is?"

"Hey," Dave puts his hands up in front of him, "It's not my fault the Megido's like to walk around there house in there underwear, now is it?"

Dave started out the door, bag slung over one shoulder, and hands deep in the red hoodie Aradia and her sis got him last Christmas- it had a red gear on the middle front and matched the ones the Megido's had. Truthfully, Damara told him the only reason he got a present was that the hoodies were like three for the price of one, so they had an extra. Or at least he thinks that's what she said. Dave maybe moderately well at Japanese thanks to his Bro, but damn does Damara speak fast.  
Dave jumped down the steps in front of his school, then shoved his iPhone in his red skinny jean's pocket, and turned around just in time to see John trip down the stairs.  


Dave of course, caught him, and helped him stand up straight, then said with a straight face, "I warned you bout the stairs, bro. I told ya dog."  


John shoved Dave's shoulder, but smiled his ridiculously ~~cute~~ dorky smile at Dave, "Thanks for catching me. Even if I had to suffer through one of your shitty SBAHJ jokes."  


"It's only a bad joke because you don't have good taste. I mean," Dave starts to walk again, "D's in Hollywood right now, and no one is calling any of his movie jokes shitty."  


"His movie? I thought you both came up with the concept?" John asked, brows furrowing.  


"Yea, SBAHJ is a D-and-Dave production. Alas, since I am in highschool and fucking fifteen years of age, I could not follow him to Hollywood, so the press is calling it 'his' movie, no matter how he tries to correct them. D says it'll be corrected by the time the movie's put on the big screen with both of our fucking names on it though, so it's cool. You are talking to a famous person right now John, try not to get starstruck."  


John rolled his eyes and said, "Oh great Dave Strider! I can barely believe my eyes, can I get a picture?"  


"Usually I'd say no, but as you're so eager, sure. I'll even fucking autograph it."  


"Oh swoon!" John said, before cracking up in his totally not adorable snorting laugh, but was shocked to a stop when Dave pulled out his phone, put an arm around his shoulder and said, "But first, lemme take a selfie." In an incredibly false high pitched voice, with caused John to crack up even harder, as Dave took a picture of them.  


John calmed down, but Dave didn't take his hand off of his shoulder, and John wasn't complaining. As they neared the split between Dave's apartment and John's house, John stopped Dave. 

"What up Egbert?"  


"Well, Dave, I have something to well, ask you I guess, before you go home." John moved out of Dave's arm to face him, and started rubbing the back of his neck, slightly pissed that he had to look up in order to see Dave's sunglasses covered face. Wait, sunglasses covered? That wouldn't do.  


"And that question is...? You know I don't have the time to spend all night out here John."

John looked around, before tiptoeing to slowly push Dave's glasses into his platinum blonde hair. He had always thought his best bro's eyes were amazing and was upset that he didn't show them off more often- but at the same time he guesses it's his fault for giving Dave the damn sunglasses. Dave never seems to take them off, and John was a little surprised that Dave let him this time, though almost all of John's thoughts stopped when his blue eyes met Dave's red eyes.

"...John?" Dave asked quietly.  


"Oh. Oh yeah! Sorry about that." John quickly removed his hands from Dave's hair and stood back firmly on his two feet, "I was going to ask, that if maybe, if you want to of course, we could go out to the Skaia cafe, then go and maybe see a movie after? Likeadatemaybe?" John squeezed out, blushing.  


Dave blinked slowly once, as if absorbing what John had asked, before smirking a little, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the Strider charm, coupled with this plush rump. No wonder you fell down those stairs, you literally fell for me John, my beauty was too much to handle."  


John groaned and put his face in his hands. Dave wasn't finished yet, though, and said, "Sure, I'll meet you down at Skaia at around one tomorrow?"  


John lifted his head at the sound of Dave's collected voice, and grinned widely when he saw Dave's face, "Dave, you're blushing."  


Dave scoffed, "Strider's don't blush, John."  


"Yea, well, tell that to the pink in your cheeks. Holy shit, you have freckles! You're usually too pale to notice them, but you got a shitton bro."  


"And we are no longer talking about my freckles. Bye. See ya tomorrow Egderp."

And with that Dave quickly absconded to his shitty apartment, ears burning as he heard John's laughter down the street.


	2. Ironic Friday Nite Sleepovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's reading this, sorry it took so long! Real life sucks. Here's a bunch of useless background info, and some funny scenes. Basically this is a hella long filler, enjoy~!

Before long it was nightfall, and Dave's friends started to show up at his house. They all knew where the Strider's keep their spare key, so they just came in, one after the other unannounced. Bro, D, and Dirk were used to it on Friday nights- hell, Dirk sometimes held his own all Saturday (for increased irony)- but as D was in Hollywood, and Bro had rushed out this morning for a meeting conveniently placed in Hollywood (Dave was positive that D needed help with something, but didn't want to admit it cuz it wasn't cool, so Bro went there under the cover of a meeting), he had no one to tease him about it this time. Well, Dirk was still there, but he's having his all day sleepover tomorrow, so he doesn't bug Dave about it as much, knowing that whatever he did, Dave would do back tenfold AND in front of his boyfriend, Jake. 

First came Rose in her black squiddle dress, boots and black lipstick, and Kanaya who was wearing her red asymmetrical skinny jeans, black, slightly heeled ankle boots, and a long sleeve black fitted tunic with a green sun on it. Kanaya also had a new, jade hijab on her head, that matched the colour of her eyes, which Dave complemented in his usual ironic way of, "Sweet," plus a fist-bump. Then Dave noticed the huge bags they were carrying.  


"Well, shit. Got a body in there Lalonde? Finally snapped and and took the life force from someone, in order to refuel your dark powers and stay young and healthy for all eternity? Need help to hide it, or are the police already on your tail? God, I can not go back to jail Rose, they know me there, they'd break me there this time, and no amount of shitty psychology will put me back together again. Like I'm Humpty motherfucking Dumpy, and the prison's the wall, are you really sure you wanna be the asshole that pushes Humpy Dumpy off the wall? Because that person was a grade-a asshole. Like a literal asshole, no body or anything, just a swirling black ass-mass of an asshole vortex, and fucking hell, you do not want to be sucked into the asshole vortex, especially without preparation Rose. Is that what you want? To spend your eternal life being squished in an asshole? Cuz if so, kinky. Does Kanaya know about all of these kinks?"  


"Hello David. Yes I am wonderful, thank you for asking." Rose replied, sarcastically, "As for what's in the bags, well, you'll just have to wait for the others to get here, before you can see."  


"Fine, you know where everything is." Dave said, and turned around.  


"Dave, wait. You certainly aren't going to leave two delicate ladies to carry these heavy bags all the way to your room, are you? Especially seeing how we dragged them up sixteen flights of stairs." Kanaya intoned, with a light smirk.  


Dave almost snorted, before shaking his head and turning back towards the two girls, "Delicate ladies? More like flighty broads. Nah, you brought that shit, you carry it."  


"Oh my, Dave, why are you being so unnecessarily rude to us? Haven't we always been the pinnacle of helpfulness to you?" Kanaya said, a few tears rolling down her face.  


"Uh." Dave mentally freaked out looking between Kanaya and his sissin. He made Kanaya cry. He's gonna die. Rose is going to stab knitting needles into his eyes and ride him down a waterslide. His soul is going to be ripped out and offered as an sacrifice to horrerterrors and other zoologically dubious creatures. "Calm down Maryam, I'll carry the damn bags. All of them even, so stop looking like I killed your fucking cat."  


Kanaya immediately stopped crying, and rolled her eyes "Why thank you Dave, such a knight in shining armor."  


"...What."  


"Oh, I wasn't actually crying just now, I was exaggerating my reaction for effect and guilt tripping." She explained, while Rose giggled lightly behind her hand, with a fond and proud look at Kanaya for playing Dave so easily.  


"And, you've corrupted her, haven't you Lalonde. Whatever pass me the damn bags."

Before long, Jade had shown up as well, her long black hair in a high ponytail held up with a neon green scrunchy, and her signature white dog ears headband, wearing some camouflage short-shorts and a white pink and green floral print halter top, saying that date night got cancelled, cuz Sollux was about to make a breakthrough in some coding shit, and not even the combined forces of herself, Becquerel, and Karkat could drag him away from the computer for more than two seconds.

She was soon followed by a cackling Terezi, wearing her dragon hoodie, teal jeans, and red crocks- Kanaya very literally cringed at the footwear-, who fist-bumped Dave, and hit him in the shins with her dragon-themed walking stick, then proceeded to chew on a red section of her currently rainbow dyed hair.

Lastly, in comes Aradia, in her matching red gear pullover hoodie, grey slightly hole-y capri's, ridiculous white socks pulled halfway up her calves, and black, beat up sneakers with lil drawings in red pen on them, who Dave immediately forgives for being so late when she gives him a jar (with a red bow on top) of carefully cleaned and preserved bones, that she said belonged to a raven. As she moved a few strands of her black, rust red highlighted hair out of her face, she explained that she had to go all the way out to the greenhouse of dead things that she shared with Dave and sometimes Damara, to carefully collect the decomposed corpse, but took even longer properly cleaning them with peroxide and placing them safely in the jar, as a kind of good luck present. She also mentioned that Damara would most likely be pretty late, as their guardian, Dr. Scratch, didn't quite like the fact that they had turned the greenhouse he gave them into a storage for decomposing animal corpses, and that Aradia had 'dared' to bring the remains of the raven inside the house to clean them, so Damara gave her a chance to escape before 'privileges' were revoked. She seems positive that Damara will be alright, so Dave doesn't question it, but does say that both the sisters can spend as much time here for as long as they want, instead of going home- he knows his bros won't mind,

"Well, since we are mostly all here, I believe it is time to enlighten dear Dave with our plan." Rose said, once they were all comfortable in his room, either on Dave's bed or floor.  


"Hell to the fucking yes." Dave exclaimed, leaning back on his bed from his position on the floor.  


"Basically, John's problem with dating is that none of the people he dates stand out. They're easily forgettable, and have a hard time keeping his attention for extended periods of time. The only reason he had even been with Vriska for so long, was that he captured his attention through a similar taste in bad movies, and the fact that on their first date she pushed a guy down a flight of stairs- not something that easy to forget, right? But still quite morbid, so they didn't stay together, but she was interesting enough that John tried doubly hard to stay friends with her. So, you are going to be a different experience for him. Not only are you a guy, but the outfit you are going to wear will be permanently singed into his brain. No matter what happens, he'll never be able to forget it- almost as if it was carved into his brain. The outfit will immediately capture and hold his attention, and then you just have to be your regular... 'witty' self, and I am sure more dates will come of it."  


"And what is this 'outfit' you've been alluding to for the past three hours, fifty four minutes, and seven seconds?" Dave replied with his usual accuracy to things surrounding time. He didn't view it as weird, since the Megido's did the same thing, and Dirk had his percentages and 'soul reading' thing (Dave still shivers when he remembers the first big lie he told to Dirk, which made him receive such a cold, hard, un-shaded stare, that Dave felt like his soul was being ripped out of his body, as he hurriedly told the truth). 

At this point Kanaya unzipped the bag she was sitting beside on the bed, and took out a mass of red and black fabric, that when shook out, suspiciously looked like the shape of a-  


"Is that a fucking dress. Is that a fucking dress my size?! What the actual hell. Ladies, I know I'm pretty, but I'm a dude. This is like some of Bro and Dirk's anime bullshit isn't it? You know John's gonna freak the fuck out, and not speak to me for the rest of ever if I go to our first date in that, right? Like he's gonna flip off the handle. He's gonna do an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle if he sees me in this." Dave says, eyes widening behind his shades.  


"C'mon Dave! Trust me, I'm his cousin, John would never, ever stop speaking to you, and this is the perfect chance to totally capture his attention, like Rose said! She's right you know! John's always telling me how his dates can't understand or live with his pranksters gambit, and were a bit dull." Jade chirped, waving around her hands as she talked, giving Dave an ample distraction of the contrast the many different coloured forget-me-knots, and neon green nail polish that matched her eye colour, made across her brown fingers. He briefly wondered how she remembered what each knot meant, before reluctantly going back to the present conversation.

"And correction Dave, this dress is not your size, but a rough estimate of your size. When Porrim shows up, we will be measuring you, taking in and letting out fabric as necessary." Kanaya explained.  


Dave sighed and rubbed his temples, "You lot are crazy, you know that?"  


"Only figuring that out now, Dave?" Terezi said with a slight cackle, and leaned forward to lick Dave's cheek. "What had tipped you off, Doctor Honeytongue?"  


"Nope, not RP'ing with you tonight TZ, nor wearing the damn dress. Take that idea and put it on the train to nopesville, let it take the noway-hosay express, all the way to the no-fucking-chance station, let that idea settle down, get a Japanese wife by the name of Iie, let them have millions of tiny spawning no babies, let the no fester and repopulate the town like rabbits, until this economy brings them right the fuck down, and makes them have to kill each other to survive, eating their nay husbands, and their non children, till there is one no way survivor, who would then looking at the carnage be shot down by the swat team, and put an end to those kinda thoughts."  


"...Wow Coolkid, I never knew you were such a scaredycat!" Terezi falls to the floor and laughs happily.  


"Excuse you, we Strider's aren't scared of anything, except for the immense power of our own swag." Dave said.  


"Says the person who made that whole elaborate story, just in order to get out of wearing a dress! What, is the Coolkid not hot enough to pull it off? Does he not have the guts? Is his precious lil masculinity gonna be bruised? Poor baby."  


"Shut the fuck up Terezi, you know any other day I could work that dress so hard, that people would drop down dead at the sight of me, then come back to life as ghosts just to watch me walk past. I wore a fucking dress to church once- back in fucking Texas - in prep school when the teacher started pressuring me and my bros to go, so don't even test my comfort in my masculinity or guts."  


"Yet, you refused to wear a dress, because of John? A dress which my girlfriend and her sister has been making for you, and are fully prepared to stay up until midnight to finish? And for person who you know you could always pretend the dress was a joke later on, and he'd believe you? Your so called 'best bro'? I'm sorry, dear brother, but I have to agree with Terezi on this." Rose intoned lightly.

Dave groaned, and said, "Fuck it, fine, I'll wear the damn dress, you win Lalonde, and the flighty broads crew. If anyone asks though, I did it for the ironic yolo."  


Then Dave realized, "Wait, this dress was 'made' for me? Dammit Lalonde, how long have you known that John was gonna ask me out?"  


"Well, he first came to me at the beginning of last month, if that answers your question?" Rose said with a smirk.  


Dave made another frustrated noise, and ran his fingers through his hair, "So done with your passive-aggressive bullshit, Lalonde. Thanks though, Kanaya, I'm sure the dress will be perfectly flattering for a goddess like me."  


Kanaya smiled, her incisors a bit more pointy than the rest of her teeth- a family trait, and said, "You are most welcome, Dave. No doubt I will be making your wedding dress as well."  


"Hell fucking yes. Rose, your girlfriend is way cooler than you." Dave said seriously, and fist bumped Kanaya as Rose rolled her eyes, used to such antics.

"Look at the bright side Dave!" Aradia said, crawling towards him to fix his hair, also sitting on the floor as Jade, Rose, and Kanaya- not to mention the dress and other measuring and sewing bobbles- took up the bed, "This is a major selfie moment! You could get Tumblr famous, or maybe you could even wear the dress as your Halloween costume! You could take a bunch of sweet photos, wearing that in the graveyard, and put it in your little collage thing, or keep it for a portfolio if you ever take up photography seriously, or become a model."  


By this point she had forced his head into her lap, and was running fingers through his hair, "If it makes you feel any better, if things with John go bad, we can all pretend he's dead for a bit." Her hands stopped in his hair, shocked by her own words, before she continued excitedly, "Yeah! We could totally do that, and host a corpse party for him! I bet we could even make all the guys there wear dresses! It would epic!" She smiled brightly down at Dave, dimples in full bloom, her smile wide enough to put the Cheshire Cat to shame. Of course, Dave was too used to this smile to be creeped out by it.

"Sure, you death fangirl." Dave replied, poking her forehead.  


Aradia pouted and weakly glared at Terezi, "See what you started! Now everyone's gonna be calling me that. Not that I object, or disagree though." She smiled widely again, dimples back, "Of course that means Dave's a death fanboy."  


Dave psh'ed and said, "Please, I would be a better death fangirl than you, but I'll let you keep that, so don't go calling me death fanboy."

They all bantered back and forth a bit, before Porrim, wearing jade high waisted shorts and a black tank top with a white spiral in the middle, showing off her tattoos arrived with Damara, who was wearing a red pleated skirt, and her red gear pullover hoodie with the sleeves ripped off to show the sleeves of the long sleeve black fishnet top she was wearing underneath, and socks matching her siblings, as well as sneakers whose only difference was they were red with black pen scribbles all over. The thing most striking about Damara today, though, was the nasty bruise blooming on her cheekbone.  


At first Dave didn't notice, his back towards them, opening with the joke he always said when they came around together, "So, two Asians, one an Indian woman and the other a Japanese woman, both walk into a bar..." He trailed off when he turned around and saw Damara's face.  


"Shit, Damz." Dave muttered, only to get all but shoved of Aradia's lap and onto the ground, when Aradia stood up to go over to her sister.  


"What did he do? What happened?" Aradia asked, reaching out to touch the bruise, before pulling her hand back, and stepping aside as Jade went to the kitchen for some ice.  


Damara snorted and replied in her broken English, "Bastard hit with broom handle. We no 'house privileges' for while."  


Aradia then hugged her sister, muttering in angry Japanese, which caused Damara to laugh and join in, Dave only catching from their rapid conversation, some swear words that'd shame a sailor. Or even a Strider. Hot damn, make that a Makara.  


Damara patted her sister's hair, and pulled back with a dimpled smile, slightly wincing when the bruise was pulled back, "I fine hellbaby. Better me than you. Thanks for giving a shit though. We need find place crash."

Dave spoke up,"Luckily, since I'm such an awesome guy, I already told Aradia that you and her could stay here for as long as you like, so that's all set."  


Damara smiled widely, "Thanks cumbaby."  


Dave just waved away the thanks, as Porrim comes towards him.  


"So I am guessing my sister already told you of the plans, correct?" Porrim inquired.  


"Yeah." Dave heaved a sigh, and stood up, stretching his arms out to either side, "Measure away. Cool nose ring, by the way."  


"Not as cool as all your piercings and tattoos are going to look, when you come to me on your birthday. Plus, I have to admit, Kanaya would pull off a nose stud better than me, so she's getting one for her birthday." Porrim said, as she picked up various things from the bed.  


"Sweet." Dave replied.

Both Maryam's, then started to measure Dave's waist, chest, length from armpit to knee, etcetera, while Damara and Terezi took great pleasure in stopping Dave from squirming around. Dave distantly heard pictures of him being taken as he was held still, but paid it no mind.  


Unfortunately, the frogiverse seems to have it out for the youngest Strider, as just as Terezi was standing on the bed, holding Dave's hands above him, and Damara was pulling up his shirt, Dirk pops into the room. The two Strider's just stare at each other for awhile, and Dave opens his mouth to give some crappy explanation, but Dirk just holds up a hand and says, "I don't want to know. Kan, since you're here, I think I got down the main design for the hoodie for the robot bunny for Jane, wanna take a look and see if you need to make any alterations before making it? If you're not too busy with all this bondage crap."  


Kanaya looks at Porrim, who states, "Go ahead sweetheart, we got down all the measurements needed, and we weren't that far off in the original fit. I'll just start altering it, but it shouldn't take too much effort, or time."

As Kanaya left, Jade came back in with the ice, and handed it to Damara, complaining about swords falling out of the freezer. Porrim took up most of the bed to start altering the dress, Damara lightly shoving Rose to the ground, and taking her space on the bed with an insincere "Whoops.", and a smile, which turned into a pout when she became Porrim's official stuff holder.  


"Daaaaaaaaave." Jade whined, laying on her back on the floor, and tipping her head backwards to look at him, "Isn't it about time for the 'Ironic Nail Painting and Gossip'? Not that watching Porrim work isn't fun, but it isn't fun!"  


"Sure English-Harley, don't get your panties in a twist- no matter how tempting the option may sound." Dave said as he walked over to the shelves that held a wide selection of nail polish- a birthday gift from D. The shelves were right over the glass cabinets that held Dave's jars of bones, Aradia's gift obviously taking center-stage, though. Dave called back, "Since the furry's nails are already painted, and Porrim and Damz are doing inappropriate things with their already painted fingers, the rest of you, pick colours."  


"I would prefer the purple and black, David. I nearly gave my poor English teacher a heart attack with my bright orange sundress and my last coat of bright yellow and orange nails. The poor fellow was stuttering something about it not fitting me and my writing style, the poor dear was so confused." Rose lightly drawled with a smirk.  


Jade laughed while calling Rose mean, Porrim and Aradia snorted, Terezi and Damara cackled loudly, and Dave just shook his head, a matching smirk on his lips, and threw the nail polishes into his sissin's lap.  


"Silver and red for me, Dave." Aradia called out, and caught the two polishes in the air.  


"Rainbow!" Terezi shouted.  


"Jesus fucking Christ Terezi." Dave mumbled as he took down all the colours, and placed them in his shirt to carry. He walked back over to Terezi, and proceeded to dump them on her head.  


"Haha, dump things on top of the blind girl, why don't you?" Terezi grinned up at Dave.  


"Please, you're somehow getting off on all the colours surrounding you, don't even joke. You're like fucking Kanaya when she gets skittles." Dave replied.  


"That's because, Dave." Terezi took off her red glasses, and stared unfocused at Dave with her milky blue eyes, "I AM Kanaya when she gets skittles!"  


"Dun dun dun, dramatic gasp." Dave dead panned as he sat to the ground, "BTW, Lalonde, once you're done with the the black pass it over, I'm going red and black."  


"No pink this time, Dave" Rose asked, as Jade started on her nails.  


"Nah, not with that dress. Maybe next week." Dave waved her off, and proceeded to do Terezi's nails, and Aradia's nails.

When he was finished with their's, both girls got to work on Dave's nails.  


"I would've thought you'd bully Sollux to do your nails, TZ." Dave said, "And it's red with a black tip, get it right."  
Terezi stuck out her tongue at him, before saying, "I was gonna, but you heard Jade, Mr. Appleberry Blast has all his coding shit, didn't even flinch when I licked him! And I was gonna ask Karkles too, but he had already dyed my hair, and Meenah had bullied him into painting her nails, so I stood no chance." Terezi explained, "I'm gonna get Sollux back though. Next week I'm gonna drag him to that spa owned by the Ampora's and watch him grovel for mercy." She grinned, "And when either I forgive him, or I can't stand being around Eridan any longer, I'll drag him to the park and make him play troll-cops with me! He makes such a good police car, and Jade already approved my plan- there's no way he's getting out of it!"  


Dave whistled through his teeth, "Damn. You don't play, do you Pyrope?"  


"This is justice, Dave. I never play with justice." Terezi answered happily.  


"Next week you say? I'll have to warn Feferi not to stop by the spa then. Or to carry a video camera!" Aradia said.  


"You and Fef, I don't know how the universe can handle all the bubbly cuteness you two as a couple produce. It's almost sickening. It's like you two are a swimming pool, and I just finished eating- I have to stay back for five to ten minutes before even approaching the two of you together." Dave said, "But apparently, someone else painting my gorgeous nails is dating a specific spiderbitch, and didn't tell me."  


Terezi slightly cringed, "Yeah, so I'm dating Vriska. And Nepeta. I guess you already figured that out though, huh Coolkid? Nothing gets past a Strider. I was gonna tell you later tonight though!"  


"Wait, wait, wait. Back it up. Back it up like Nicki Minaj in Anaconda. You're dating Vriska /and/ Nepeta? Nepeta, as in cat lover, the girl that when her spine got snapped, got an actual blue tail attached to it while it was healing? And dating as in the whole polyamorous threesome thing, that Jade has with Sollux and Shouty?" Dave asked.  


"Yup. Surprisingly, for a hyperactive shipper, Nepeta can hold her own in this relationship. She even beat Vriska in kickboxing. Unfortunately, that means that Vriska taught her how to street fight, but I won't complain, the amount of money they bring in makes up for it." Terezi explained.  


Dave said, "So you're not gonna go all justice on their asses? Gonna pretend not to see them?"  


"Dave, I'm blind, I literally can't see them." Terezi cackled, "And besides, you know Vriska. As long as she's just fighting strangers in the streets- preferably crooks- then I'm fine. And Nepeta has Equius -who made her her weapons, this cool set of claws that she wears- to stop her from going too crazy, so it works out! She LARP's with me and Vriska, too. It's kinda weird but it all the scratching, sniffing, and breaking works." Terezi shrugged.  


"Equius, as in the big, looks-like-he-can-snap-me-in-half, dark skinned with the blue arrow Sagittarius symbol on his arm, dreadlocks, cracked glasses guy, who's acquaintance of Dirk thanks to robotics club?" Dave asked.  


"Same one." Terezi nodded.  


"Jesus, never even thought those two would be in the same social circles." Dave said, taking back the hand Aradia was painting, and waiting for it to dry.  


"Wait, isn't Nepeta's older sister dating that Kurloz Makara?" Aradia asked, "I thought you didn't get along with the Makara's, or Gamzee in general. But aren't Nepeta and the Makara siblings pretty close?"  


"Yeah, Gamzee's like a brother to her, if I remember right. The amount of piggyback rides that girl and her sister got from the Makara brothers should break a goddamn school record." Dave added.  


Terezi grimaced, "Yeah, about Gamzee... Remember how I didn't like him because he was always high in school, and the teachers didn't do anything about it? And I was sure it was because the Makara's are so filthy rich and scary? Well apparently, it's all prescribed drugs he's on. I don't exactly remember what he has, but it seems that when he's sober he gets extremely violent- something about voices and gods, I don't even remember, but once I realized he's not a dirty rule breaker, we got along just fine. I mean, were not best friends or anything, but it's tolerable and he's close to Nepeta so." Terezi shrugged, before blowing on Dave's nails. "All done Coolkid!"  


Dave shook his nails with a smirk, and said, "Thanks TZ, 'Dia, I'm sure to be the prettiest princess in all the ball. Sweet score with the bitches though, you can tell Nepeta and Feferi they can come over next Friday if they want. Not Vriska or Eridan though- I would say no offense, but those bitches be cray when they wanna be, so it's just for our own safety."  


Terezi grinned and rolled her eyes, "Yea, I agree with you. But! I did tell Nepeta about this, and gave her your chumhandle, so be ready for a barrage of messages from an 'arsenicCatnip', asking about your date sometime soon. You and John are going on The Wall, Dave." She cackled.  


"Why do I feel like The Wall was capitalized?" Aradia asked.  


Terezi stared at her with surprising accuracy, before replying ominously, "Because is IS capitalized!"

"I hate to break up good dramatics, but as I am finished with Jade's nails, I believe it is time for me to bestow upon David, the very essence of crossdressing and femininity." Rose said with a light smirk, as she got up from her seat on the floor, and removed something from one of the bags she brought, then handed it over to Dave.  


"....You gotta be fucking kidding me Lalonde." Dave dead panned as he looked at the makeup container he was just passed.  


"Not at all, dear brother." Rose allowed the smirk to fully encompass her features, "Would you like pointers on how to put it on?"  


Dave continued to stare at the makeup, before shrugging and tossing the container to the side, "Nah, how hard can it be?"  


Rose just stares at him, before bursting into tiny giggles behind her fist, "I suspect you will find out."

Dave opens his mouth to make a witty retort, when Kanaya came back in with some drawings in her hands, and asked, "How far have you gotten, Porrim?"  


"I'm almost done, darling....just, sew up that side for me, will you?" Porrim replied, distractedly, and Kanaya ran over to do as was asked.  


"And...done! There you go, love, a one of a kind Maryam dress." Porrim remarked, as Kanaya hung up the dress, and put it on Dave's closet door.  


"Thanks, I guess." Dave acknowledged.  


Jade stands up, "Time for accessories!" And scurries over to the bags.  


"Accessories. Of course, can't be looking like no cheap trashy whore. I'm a high class prostitute." Dave said as he accepted his fate.  


Jade squeals, and says, "You are going to adore this Dave!", then shows off a pair of over-the-knee, black socks with a red trim, and Dave lets out a low whistle.  


"Dayum. Egbert won't know what hit him." Dave says as he reaches out for the socks.  


"Me wanted you get fishnet ones." Damara remarked, as she was finally freed for being Porrim's stuff holder.  


"Not on the first date, Damz, Egbert would die from the sexiness." Dave replied with a smirk.

"My turn to give you an accessory Dave!" Aradia remarks, and stands up.  


"Ooh, more presents, my body is ready." Dave says dramatically.  


Aradia just rolls her eyes, and presents Dave with a pair of red with black, 4 and a half inch platforms, with red gear-shaped buckles, and tiny skull decorations on the platform part. "You may borrow The Shoes. You may keep Them in your closet. But just remember, I am not above breaking in, and taking back The Shoes every once in awhile to wear them." Aradia says seriously as she hands him The Shoes.  


Dave holds up a hand, takes out his IPhone, and plays a "choir of angels singing the word "Aah"", before reaching back for The Shoes. "I will treat Them as if They were the lovechild of Nicki Minaj, Beyonce, and Rihanna."  


Aradia nodded sagely, "You had better."  


"I have one issue though." Dave says calmly, "How in the seven hells do I fucking walk in these medieval torture devices?"  


Damara claps, and smiles, before remarking, "That's me shit! I teach sweet cumbaby how walk in heels!" She walks over to the bags.  


"No, seriously Lalonde, do you have Mary fucking Poppin's bag, or the Doctor's TARDIS, or some...shit." Dave trailed off as he noticed the stripper heels Damara had pulled out.  


"You lucky we wear same size." Damara says nonchalantly, walking back over.  


"Damz... Those are stripper heels. Now, I'd make a damn good stripper, people'd be throwing themselves over one another for a chance to give this plush rump some cash, but don't you think this is sorta extreme?" Dave rambles.  


"Might be a only date, but you fuck-wow him. You walk these, you walk any shoe. Platforms are be nothing. Now, shut up and walk. You be one throwing themself over desk for fuck." Damara smirks as she forces Dave in the heels.

Dave stands up wobbling, and almost falls after the first step. "Yeah, no. Take them off."  


Jade giggles and says, "Don't give up! It's for John!"  


Dave curses loudly, whilst Damara gives him a slight push. Before long he's slowly walking along the length of the room.  


"Come on, Coolkid! I'm blind and I can walk with more confidence than you! Sway them hips Dave!" Terezi cackled as Dave walked.  


"Shut the fuck up TZ, you're blind, how can you tell if I sway or not." Dave replied, a bit petulantly.  


"I'd hate to admit it, but Terezi's right, David." Rose said, with a permanent smirk.  


"The stripper heels are all about forgetting the heel, walking on the ball of your feet, and confidence, young grasshopper." Porrim added.  


"You got it Dave!" Aradia exclaimed, with double pistols, a dimpled smile, and a wink.  


Dave just continues to grumble and curse, while getting used to walking. "I swear, I will never ever make fun of Tavros for the rest of my life."

After a couple painful, but hilarious hours, Damara swats Dave, and gives him a dimpled smile, "You good now. Cumbaby walk goodly now."  


"Sweet." Dave high fives everyone, before sitting down and taking off the heels, thanking every lord he knew off while he did so.  


"Now David, are you sure you do not require help with your makeup?" Rose questioned once again.  


"Yeah, darling, it isn't as easy as we girls make it seem." Porrim threw in.  


"Nah, seriously, how hard can it fucking be?" Dave repeated his earlier statement, and chose to ignore all the girls as they laughed at him.  


"Well, thank you for the unwanted help. I'm sure I'll look hella fine, with all the work y'all put in. Not that I'm not already hella fine, but still. I will kill all of you if Egbert freaks out, just so you know. Though who knows, my beauty may blind him." Dave rambles on, only to be hit in the face with a pillow by a laughing Aradia.  


"Oh sister, it is so on." Dave said, while lashing out with a pillow.

After a (totally ironic) pillow fight, everyone changed into their PJ's, and watched a shitty Nic Cage movie, for good luck on Dave's date. Before long, they all fell asleep, piled on top of one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ......Yeah, fuck oneshots


	3. Dresses, Dates, and Makeup Guru Dirk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been TEN THOUSAND YEARS. Sorry, thought we could all use a pick me up after that hellish upd8, so enjoy, and thanks so much to all who have kudo'd and subscribed! You're the best <3~!

The girls had left (the Megido's with their girlfriends), and Dave was currently shrugging on his dress. He stood in front of his full length mirror, and gave a little twirl, checking out the dress from all angles. Dave would admit that the dress was hella cute- it was a sleeveless cocktail dress (held up by god knows what. Dave doesn't even bother to question it), that ended above his knees in a muffin-top poof. The dress itself was black with red stitches and red horizontal line at the very top and bottom, and a simple red sash around his waist. He decided to put on his red gear earrings (a joke birthday gift from John, that Dave chose to take seriously and had Porrim pierce his ears), then put on the above-the-knee socks and platforms- which, he was happy to note, was hell of a lot easier to walk in than stripper heels.

Dave then took out the makeup bag Rose had given him, sat by his (totally ironic shut up) vanity, and stared uncomprehendingly at it. So many fucking things were in that bag. Some he recognized like lipstick and eyeliner, but the rest were a mystery.

"What the fuck even is this?" Dave mumbled to himself as he took out some concealer. He opened it, and sniffed it, feeling remarkable like Terezi, before he shrugged an put a big blotch of it on his face. Unfortunately, it seemed as if he took out Kanaya's concealer, as his face now looked like he was out in the sun for too long and a part of his face burnt to a crisp.  
Dave looked at his reflection, before sighing and face palming. Damn his pride, he should've asked the girls for help.

At this moment Dirk walked in, "Yo lil man, can we borrow your nail pol....." Dirk trailed off as he noticed what Dave was wearing on his body and face.  


"..........Sup Dirk." Dave said awkwardly. Dirk just face palmed, before entering the room fully, shutting the door behind himself.  


"No Dave. Just. No." Was all Dirk uttered as he made his way over Dave, crouched in front of him, and hurriedly cleaned off the concealer, before reaching for the makeup bag himself.

"Woah bro, what you doing?" Dave asked looking down untrustingly at Dirk with barely concealed terror.  


"Kan told me you have a date with John. Good for you and all, you've been pining for so long it was slightly pathetic."  


Dave scoffed as Dirk took off both of their shades, "Like you can say anything, after how you were about Jake."  


Dirk paused from adding some concealer to the brush- Dave's proper skin tone this time, as it was Rose's- and glared up at his younger brother, "Anyways. I had told myself that I wasn't going to intervene. But, as you were about to make a colossal fool of yourself, I suppose I can help."

Dave slightly winced at the feeling of the cold concealer being brushed and rubbed into his skin, "You sure you know what you doing? Just because your gayer than rainbows, doesn't mean you're suddenly a makeup guru."  


Dirk snorted, and put away the concealer, taking out some red liquid eyeliner in it's place, "Please, when you're close friends with any of the Maryam's, you pick this shit up. Plus the amount of times I had to do this for Rox. I'm actually more surprised you haven't picked up on how to do this, as like almost more than half of your close friends are female. Look up."

Dave looked up and suppressed flinching from the red eyeliner right by his eyes, "Well I'm sorry I never paid closer attention to the girls when they put on makeup. I should've been taking some fucking notes, as apparently this is a thing to be graded on. There should be like a fucking AP Makeup class on this shit. Just imagine, we'd all wear frilly tutus to class and practice makeup on each other and model walk everyfuckingwhere. Makeup is a fucking art, I have realized." Dave then closed his eyes at Dirk's prompting, and felt the powdery feeling of black eye shadow and red blush being dragged across his eyes and cheek, as well as a wet feeling right under his left eye. He decided not to question it for now.

Dirk just snorted once more, with a "Hell yeah.", and cupped Dave's face in his hands, tilting his head down, being very careful not to let his leather fingerless gloves smudge anything. "Okay, open your eyes and pucker your lips."  


"Hold on bro, I don't think I'd be that into incest. Though fucking Stridercest would be the hottest thing ever, don't even deny. Girls be fainting and nosebleedin' all over the place. The president would be amiss, the Earth would implode. We could fucking take over the world, and make our sick raps the new anthem. We could even have a fucking army of shippers, just tearing away at any naysayers. All in favour say 'Hell fucking yes."  


"Hell fucking shut up and pucker your lips, you lil shit." Dirk replied with an amused, fond, and a bit impatient smirk and eye roll.  


Dave shut up and did as he was told, feeling the bright red lipstick smooth over his lips, before smacking them together.  


"That's all I can do for your face. Anything else would be a fucking miracle." Dirk said as he closed the makeup bag, "Look at how goddamn beautiful I made you, and pass me your sash for a quick moment."

Dave passed Dirk the sash without a word- surprisingly- and Dirk left the room with it. As he was gone, Dave finally decided to take in his appearance in the vanity mirror. Dimly, he heard a sewing machine going on, but paid it no mind. He looked like a fucking majestic princess. Dirk had worked wonders with the concealer making his already pale skin paler, and brought out his freckles in a sharp contrast. The bright, bloody red of his lipstick merged perfectly with the light pink blush dusting his cheeks, and the black, smoky eye-shadow looked flawless paired with the red cat-eye of the eyeliner, and made his eyes look bright and sparkly. Then he noticed a small red heart painted under his left eye.

"What the hell..." Dave trailed off, not believing his appearance.  


"Oh, the heart?" Dirk said, walking back into the room with sash in hand, noticing where Dave was looking, "That's kinda like my trademark. Roxy usually gets either pink or dark blue heart, Jane a beige and red or light blue and red, Kanaya black or jade green, etc... Solid red worked for you best though." Dirk said nonchalantly, kneeling at Dave's waist to reapply the sash. The sash now was longer, reaching to the floor with a black and red bow and trails. In the center of the bow, where the knot should be, was Dave's trademark broken record symbol. 

"Holy shit Dirk." Dave stood up and twirled, "I look hella. Thanks, I guess. I mean you don't totally suck after all." Dave's seemingly insincere words were contradicted by the quick hug he gave Dirk.  


Dirk shook his head with a smile, before dragging Dave out of the room, "Grab your purse and be gone. You're gonna be late, and my sleepover can not be put on hold any longer, thanks to a fifth wheel."

Dave did take his purse as he came out of the room, forgetting his shades, and complaining loudly how girls clothing never has any proper pockets. He then heard a slightly slurred "Hallelujah brother, speak da truth!" From Roxy.  


Roxy, Jake, and Jane were all by the sofa, which was right by the door, so there was no way to get past them without flash stepping, but Dirk's firm hand on his shoulder prevented him from doing so. Dave slightly pouted as he stepped into the room, fully intending to ignore the inhabitants, when he got accosted into a hug by a slurring (but sober- she's been clean for about five months now, but the slurring had become a basically permanent fixture in her speech), Roxy.

"Damn boi, you look hella fineeeeee." Roxy all but sang, stepping back to look at him.  


"Yes indeedy! Dirk sure did a dazzling job with your face, ol'chum! I could almost mistake you for a lovely damsel!" Jake exclaimed, throwing in two pistols and a wink for good measure.  


"You do look great, Dave! Where are you going though?" Jane inquired, tucking a piece of loose hair behind her ear.  


"He has a date with John." Dirk said in a sing-song voice.  


"Dude, not cool!" Dave said blushing, as Roxy squealed. Dirk just shrugged and took a couple pictures of Dave, "S'true though", was his only justification.

Dave just groaned out loud, before quickly absconding the fuck out of the apartment, hoping he wasn't going to be late for his very important date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this must be the shortest chapter of them all, so think of it as part 1 of 2! Next chapters prob gonna be the last, unless I do an epilogue~


	4. A Date to Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So very very sorry this took so long, but exams and writers block is a thing that happened. ;A;

Dave walked as fast as he could in his platforms and dress, completely ignoring any weird looks or stares he got. Damn right he was a model, no wonder people were staring. Not to mention it was the middle of the fucking day and he looked like he was going to prom- wearing a prom dress to a casual cafe, nothing could be more ironic. Dave mentally patted himself on the back. No one in that damn cafe would be able to forget this, including his dork of a best friend.

As he neared the cafe, Dave spotted John waiting outside Skaia in a casual outfit consisting of black jeans, a blue shirt with a weird light blue symbol on it that honestly reminded Dave of toothpaste, a yellow sleeveless jacket, a blue beanie pulled over his mess of hair, and blue and yellow Nikes. Dave looked him over, and a slight smirk pulled at his lips, before he forced his face into a 'I'm better than all of you' look, and model walked towards John.

"Sup Egbert." Dave said casually.

"Oh there you are Dave, I was starting to think...." John trailed off as he finally looked at Dave and took in his outfit, a slight blush rising to his cheeks, while his eyes widened comically.

"D-Dave?" John sputtered out.

"Again, sup Egbert. I already said that bro. Are the shitty movies finally getting to your head? Quick, how many fingers am I holding up, and what is your mother's maiden name." Dave replied while rolling his eyes, trying not to smile at John's expression. No way he was forgetting this.

"Dave why are you in a dress? Dave why are you in a fancy dress. Dave I don't think I have enough money for where ever you think we're going. Dave I am a poor high school boy, and holy shit you're wearing makeup." John's face was redder than Dave's lips.

"Why thank you Captain Obvious. I'm also wearing platforms and thigh-highs in case that somehow slipped past your radar. Which is impossible, because nothing gets past you, do they? Seriously though bro, do you need a new prescription on your glasses? As for the dress, dress for the life you want, not the one you have and all that shit. I'd be a fucking fantastic model, and thus I decided to grace the world and our date with my astonishing looks. You should've seen me fighting off the paparazzi and screaming fans the entire way here. Shit's tiring. Besides John," Dave walked up to John, and put an arm around his shoulders- the platforms finally allowing them to be around the same height-, "Can you think of anything more wonderfully ironic? I swear to god I'm going to start a fashion craze. Or a meme. Either's cool, but can you imagine peeps be walking in to fancy shmancy restaurants in their swim wear? Going to prom in crocks and shorts? Everyone's going to be jumping on this bandwagon dude, it'll take the world by storm." 

With this, Dave finally got John to snap out of it, and snort out a laugh, lightly pushing Dave away with, "How do you get even more dorky each day dude?"

Dave faked a gasp, "John, didn't your dad teach you not to push a lady? A sweet southern belle at that!" Dave sobered up a bit and asked, "Yo Egbert, you cool with this though? Or did I take this too far?"

John smiled and said, "Nah, I'm cool. No wait, I'm ice cold! Alright alright alright alright." Dave just let out a pained groan at the meme. "Seriously though Dave, knowing you, I think I'd actually be slightly disappointed with anything else. At least I know in your gay ass Strider way that you do care." John fluttered his eyelashes and clasped his hands to his chest, causing both boys to break out laughing.

"Oh fuck off John. You can't quite be calling me gay, when you're the one that asked me out in the first place dude. And there we go again, speaking about my ass. Look John, I know I have a fabulous rump, but this is the first date. Wait until at least the second before you start complimenting it." 

John just snorted and said, "Whatever, let's just go in."

Dave replied, "Oh yes, please, thank god, standing in heels isn't fun."

John offered his arm out to Dave with a, "M'lady," which got him a punch to the arm. Dave still took the offered hand though, because hello heels.

They sat by a booth near the back of the cafe, ignoring the strange looks that got sent their way. As they knew each other for years now, it wasn't awkward and they didn't need to grasp for straws to start a conversation, they simply just melded into the same flow they usually had everyday. Throwing fries at each other, and rarely into one another's mouths, complaining about teachers, talking about new video games, thinking up new prank ideas, and talking about how Dave's movie was coming along.

At one point, the two made a bet to see how many people Dave could get to blush without saying anything, John saying no one would blush, and Dave disagreeing. Dave won that bet, but John didn't care as he was too busy dying of laughter at Dave outrageously batting his eyelashes, waggling his eyebrows, pouting his lips, and winking at people who happened to look over. 

As the winner, Dave got to choose the venue for the next date. When he heard his prize, Dave looked at John slightly shocked, but hiding it by raising an eyebrow.

"A second date? You really can't get enough of this Strider can you John?" Dave smirked, hoping to hell and back that he wasn't blushing.

John stuttered, "Well, um, yeah, I mean, um I had fun, and I'm kinda hoping you did too, andikindawannadateyou." John rushed out blushing, and looking away.

Dave couldn't hope to stop the blush that bloomed on his cheeks, "Oh, um, yeah sure. That sounds.... That sounds hella cool." 

John looked back at Dave with a smile, and to save himself from blushing anymore, Dave clapped his hands once, and said, "Well enough with the lovey dovey feelings talk, let us become the cliche and share a milkshake for dessert."

John just laughed his obnoxiously loud laugh, doubling in volume when Dave started singing, "My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard," and politely called the waitress over to order the milkshake.

The date was finished all too soon, with the only argument was who was going to pay- which John won, but Dave swears he'll pay next time. John was walking Dave home, laughing as Dave told him the shenanigans that ensued to get him into the dress. 

"A fake corpse party? Really?" John laughed.

"I couldn't make this shit up if I tried Egbert." Dave said with a smirk, and one hand over his chest. 

John opened his mouth to reply, when something was thrown at them, and hit Dave in the head.

"What the fucking hell?" Dave complained, rubbing his head, while John turned around to look for the offender, which happened to be this old guy with a picket sign, screaming about how they should be ashamed of themselves, and that gay people go straight to hell.

Dave turned around and glared at the man, who was taken aback for some reason Dave wasn't sure of, but he sure as hell wasn't complaining. 

John say the man's face when he saw Dave's eyes, and just shouted back, "Of course we're going to hell, this dude's got a kingdom to run." And smiled when the man seemed to pale and step back.

John then just smiled a nasty smile at the man, took Dave's hand, turned around and continued walking. He could tell the moment Dave realized what happened, as his free hand shakily went up to his face.

"John, I'm not wearing my shades."

"Nope." John replied casually, side-eying his date.

"And you didn't tell me because?" 

"I like your eyes dude. They're cool, and you never show them off. Why the hell would I tell you and make you put on your shades? Especially on our date?"

Dave just blinked, and moved his hand from his face, "Fair 'nough."

Thankfully, the light, joking atmosphere had returned to them as they reached the fork between their houses. 

Dave remarked, "Okay well, I guess I'll text you the dets of our second date when I think them up." And got a nod from John in response. 

"And you know what? Fuck it." Dave muttered, before he smashed their mouths together in an all too brief kiss. 

"See ya later Egbert." Dave said as he absconded the fuck away, thankful that the dark hid his blush, and leaving a shocked John paralysed, but happy, on the side of the road.

Dave quickly rushed home, to see not only Dirk and his friends, but also Bro and D home. His eyes widened as he knew he was blushing extremely hard, and shouted, "Nope." and rushed to his room, before anyone could open their mouths to start teasing him. He was, unfortunately for him, quickly followed and blocked off by his brothers, and slung over a shoulder, then dumped on the couch surrounded on all sides.

Dave just groaned, preparing himself for the teasing. What is his life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short af length as well, I just don't know how to write dates ;A;
> 
> Buuuuut, I am proud of my self for punching writers block's buns! o(^▽^)o

**Author's Note:**

> Getting the colours for the Pesterchum was hard. It was hard and nobody understaaaaands.  
> There's a knight of time joke in there somewhere if you squint! I guess there's no way I'll ever be able to write a oneshot, huh?


End file.
